There are no hard and fast rules governing the giving of gifts in the office setting, but good judgement suggests some guidelines.  Gifts should be given in good taste and with discretion.  Presents that are inappropriate or improperly given will create problems.  This holiday season is the time for management to shine and an opportunity to boost morale, show appreciation, and set a tone for polish and thoughtful consideration for those who have worked hard throughout the year.  The decision management makes is an important one.  What is good for one company may not be good or appropriate for another however.

Check Company Policy:

• Some companies have a “no gifts” policy.  These need to be respected and adhered to.
• Some companies are only allowed to accept gifts up to a certain amount, such as $50.00.  Others can only accept gifts they can eat.  Take the time to find out before you embarrass yourself by breaching someone’s business code of ethics.

Other Christmas gift giving policy options are:

• To have no company policy whatsoever.
• To prohibit gift giving.
• To give each employee a food package, tech gadget, a Christmas turkey, or something of this nature.
• To give employees a gift catalog from which they order an item of their choice or receive the equivalent (such as $25.00) in cash.
• To consider company Christmas party as the gift.
• To consider the company Christmas card, signed by the CEO, as the gift.
• To distribute gifts to the needy instead of giving employee gifts.

Gifts Outside the Building:

Many companies give gifts to clients, customers, and other important people, such as the firm’s lawyer, banker, or PR person throughout the year but especially during the holiday season.  The challenge during this time of year is to be thoughtful, classy, and appropriate.  A gift that is too expensive runs the risk of being considered as bribery.  A gift that is cheaply made reflects insincerity and poorly on the company.

Some guidelines and ideas for corporate gifts during the holidays are:

• Before making a purchase, check the policy of the client’s company, for it may limit or prohibit gifts.  Even if there is an open policy, select a small gift.  It delivers a message of gratitude without obligation.
• The way in which a business gift is given is as important as the gift itself.  When an executive has his executive assistant pick out a gift and mail it, with just a business card attached to identify the donor, the present is cold and impersonal.  When the executive selects a gift he knows will hit the spot with the recipient, and then has it beautifully wrapped and writes a charming note to go with it, that becomes the holiday gift.
• If profits are down and the company is downsizing, make a policy concerning gift giving on the executive level.  Send a nice holiday greeting to customers who usually are recipients of your holiday gift giving at Christmas and communicate why they won’t be receiving a gift.  A handwritten note in a greeting card would be appropriate stating something like:

Dear Frank,

                        This hasn’t been the kind of year that allows us to open Santa’s bag,

                        but we want you to know how much we appreciate your fine support

                        over the past months.  We treasure our business relationship with you

                        and look forward to better times a year from now.  Thank you, especially

                        for your friendship.  Have a wonderful New Year.

• Gifts for close friends and peers in the business community may include a case of wine or a trendy tech gadget.
• The board of directors may each receive something like a handsome clock with a note thanking them for all the hours of support they have given the past year.
•  Senior staff members may appreciate a small gift, attached to their bonus, of a CD of the city symphony or an art book from a museum.  Equipment for the recreational sport they enjoy, wines, and liquors are also appropriate.
• A gift for a customer, if it bears the company logo, should bear it modestly.  The smart executive wants to downplay the advertising aspect of the gift during the holidays, while staying safe to keep the business perspective of the gift.  For example:  A leather diary/calendar of the coming year with the company logo stamped on the inside back cover, very small, is a fine idea.
• A set of four bar glasses with minuscule logo etched on the front that is barely visible, is also a fine idea.
• Holiday flower arrangements or poinsettias are always appropriate.
• Gift baskets of foods, cheeses, coffees and teas, or chocolates are most often appreciated.
• Crates of oranges or other local fruits.
• Framed antique maps or print.
• Gold tooled leather desk set.
• Silver letter opener.
• Pen and pencil sets.
• Silver picture frames
• Gifts that represent the business are always a fine idea.  Especially if your business is a day spa or restaurant.  Something extravagant, gaudy, or tasteless should never be chosen as a gift, because it reflects poorly on the company.  A gift that has absolutely nothing to do with what the company makes would do nothing for the corporate image.  For example, a paper products company would send customers a great box of fine stationery, not a silk umbrella.

Gifts Inside the Building:

There are many viable reasons for discouraging employees from giving gifts within the office setting.  When it is allowed, the office landscape becomes littered with gifts and wrapping paper, business papers are misplaced, work time is lost, and people are distracted.

It is also unfair because there is always the popular employees who are hidden behind a sea of gifts on their desks, while others without many friends have a desk uncluttered.

It is managements responsibility to make sure company gift giving policy is  promoted as well as balance and consider the needs of the office and the corporate culture.  Maybe it has been a stressful and difficult year and the office could use a pick me up.  Encourage the celebrating be allowed but confined to the lunch room or staff room.  Perhaps this is a very serious and busy time with deadlines closing in.  “Let’s save the celebrating for the company party.”

Regardless of company policy, some employees still like to give gifts for the holidays.  Some guidelines for gift giving to those within the company are:

• Gifts should be given away from the office building.
• If only a few colleagues who share a department or office and work closely together are planning to exchange gifts, do it away from the office.  Also, don’t bring the gifts into the building.  Someone may feel excluded.
• Make sure the gift is appropriate to the receiver.  No alcohol to someone who doesn’t drink.
• A bonus is based on performance and something earned.  No matter how much it is needed or appreciated, it is not considered a gift.
• Just because someone gives you a present does not mean you must give one in return.  Returning the gesture a couple of days later implies that it is out of obligation, not sincerity.  The giver may just be thanking you for something special you did to be helpful or supportive.
• If you want to give someone a gift that you don’t typically give a gift to, (see above), make sure you explain the reason for the gift in the gift card.  Such as a special thank you for helping you meet a crucial deadline on a project, additional support, or helpful advice.
• Gifts should be presented in person when possible.
• Gifts should be beautifully wrapped.
• Cash is generally not an appropriate gift for a colleague.  Gift cards to their favorite places are.
• All gifts received require a handwritten thank you note.  If sent later than two weeks from receiving the gift, sincerity wanes.
• Employees do not give gifts to the boss.  A card, baked goods, or fine chocolates, are considered appropriate however.  However, some secretaries or administrative assistants may give their boss a gift that is tasteful, not too expensive, or of too personal a nature.
• Receiving an unwanted or inappropriate gift.  An inappropriate gift is one that is overly expensive, too personal, or of a sexual nature, whether overt or implied.  In this case, return the gift immediately with a card simply expressing the fact that the gift is inappropriate and being returned. Make a copy of the note and the date you delivered it.

The Savvy Executive:

Paying for gifts.  Many companies have a standard gift for employees, a standard gift for customers, and inexpensive promotional items used mostly as giveaways.  These are all paid for by the company.

Beyond this kind of gift giving, there is great diversity in company policies about gifts.  Some companies pay for all gifts given individually by all members of top management to the business community.   Some only pay for gifts that have had justification and prior approval.  Most executives frequently face a decision on whether giving a gift to someone connected in business is worth the outlay of personal funds. (The government does allow a small deduction for business gift costs.)

Most  senior executives agree that, on occasion, it is worthwhile for the executive to pay for a small gift to a business associate from his/her own pocket.

How much:

• Junior executives and mid-managers present gifts to their clients of about $40.00 value.
• Gifts presented by mid-to upper-managers might cost $45-$60.
• Senior executives might spend from  $50 to $150 for top customers and close friends in the business world.

After establishing the gift giving budget, the executive may choose to select each gift personally or choose any of the following persons to be the “gift manager” and handle all the gift chores:

• An executive assistant
• A very talent spouse with plenty of time.
• A personnel office executive who knows he has to do a good job.
• A gift consultant who is paid to be smart about the subject.

These gift managers, or the executive, should have:

• Good taste, including wrapping the gift.
• An ability to bargain for the best price and confidence to ask for a corporate discount.
• A thorough knowledge of the market—what’s new and great, what’s “in” and “out” in consumer tastes.
• Access to leading mail order catalogs.
• A knowledge of certain business’ rules of ethics.  In this era of problems with corporate ethics, management must be careful with any gifts.
• A talent for selecting an item that reinforces the company’s desired image.

The executive gives gifts:

• To the executive secretary or administrative assistant.  The quality of gift is commensurate with the length of service.
• Less than one year, a small impersonal gift, such as a Christmas plant or food basket.
• Two to four years, could receive a gift certificate to a favorite store for $25.00.
• For an assistant that has been with you five to ten years, spend $50 to $100.00.
• Other gift options may include tickets to a play, symphony, or sporting event of his/her interest.
• If several executives share the same assistant, they may contribute equally to a gift certificate to a favorite store,  a day spa, or weekend get away.
• The savvy executive also remembers those coworkers who have been especially helpful or supportive by giving them a thoughtful gift as well, such as CD’s, wine or the person’s liquor preference, membership to the local museum, or gourmet food baskets.
• The savvy executive also gives tips or gifts by cash or check to those who have helped with maintenance of the professional image and appearance such as a personal trainer, manicurist, barber or hair stylist, or foreign language instructor.  These may be presented in a greeting card with a handwritten note of appreciation.

There is a whole category of employees who serve the corporation who should be remembered either by the boss, the boss and senior executives, or by everyone in the office.  These could receive a thank you acknowledgement via a huge box of cookies or treats sent to their meeting or staff room.

• The company garage staff, including drivers and mechanics
• The men and women in the mailroom or copy machine area.
• The maintenance people, including the night cleaners.

In Conclusion:

While this has been a difficult year for most, considering the economic downturn, the opportunity to share well wishes for a new year of opportunity and hope should not go by unnoticed nor unacknowledged.

If you personally, or your company, are not in a position to extend holiday cards and gifts this year, plan on making up for it next year.  If you are fortunate and able to share with others, be thankful, humble, and considerate.  In the meantime, wishing someone a happy holiday, Merry Christmas, Good Tidings, Happy Hanukkah, is intended to be a gesture of good will and boost the spirits.  It costs nothing and helps to remind us, we are in this together.

All information was compiled by Merrily Bjerkestrand using the following resources:  Letita Baldriges’s New Complete Guide to Executive Manners, also New Manners for New Times, Emily Post’s Etiquette, by Peggy Post, and Amy Vanderbilt, Complete Book of Etiquette,

The Holiday season is also a great time for businesses to reach out to those who have been especially loyal, supportive, or helpful during the past year.  Most cards express a thank-you for your patronage and a positive wish for the New Year.  Guidelines for businesses sending Holiday greeting cards is the same as those for personal cards, with the following additions and considerations:

Who gets a card:

• Holiday cards may be sent to colleagues, clients, customers, directors, support staff, employees, etc.  Try to reach out to all clients and valued customers, especially those you do business with often.
• Those you don’t see often but have a long distance relationship with.
• Don’t overlook the small client, those who are loyal, but generate a small amount of income for you.  When good fortune shines on them, they will remember those who were gracious and encouraging while they were struggling.

Signing the card:

• For convenience, some business holiday cards are preprinted with the company’s name.  These should always be personalized with a handwritten note of well wishes, a “Thank you for your business and support”, or “It has been a pleasure being of service to you this past year. Each is followed by a signature of the sender and in some cases the division or department.
• Don’t have one person send out all the cards if you are a large corporation.  Set and clarify standards, then delegate to departments with guidelines.  The task will seem less daunting when the cards being sent are to persons they actually know and have worked with.
• It is important that everyone in the department personalizes and signs the card.  “Personalize” means adding more than just a signature.
• Do not include pictures of family or photos of a personal nature in company cards.  Save these for private correspondence.

Addressing the envelope:

• When it is company policy to send a holiday card to a client, it is sent to the business address, not the clients home address.
• If the executive also knows the client socially, the spouse’s name may be added and the card sent to the home address.
• All holiday cards should have a handwritten address.  Every effort should be made to do this.  If the number is so large it is unrealistic to handwrite each address, run the envelopes through the computer printer using a script font that mimics handwriting.
• Attach postage stamps to the envelope rather than using a meter.  Labeled and metered envelops communicate “business” and may be overlooked, discarded, or appear insincere.
• HEADS UP:  Addresses must always include and honorific when sent to an individual.  These include, Mr., Mrs., Ms, Rev., Dr., etc.  In business, the title Ms. is most often used for women and when using the woman’s first name, such as, Ms. Olivia Jackson.  If sending to a widow, the option is to continue to use her married name, Mrs. Frank Jackson.

Sending the card:

The same timeline of between Thanksgiving and Christmas applies.

There is no limit to those to whom you may send a holiday card, with exceptions.  Sending a Christmas card to someone Jewish isn’t cute- its inconsiderate.  Just as sending a Hanukkah card to a Christian is inappropriate.  The sending of holiday cards is not the time to argue one’s faith just because both holidays happen to occur at the same time of year.  This is a time to wish someone the joy of the season where peace and good wishes are shared by many countries and cultures around the world.

Who Receives a Card

Sending a holiday card to everyone you know or have an address for is an expensive option and is unnecessary.  Some guidelines are:

• Send to those you sincerely wish to greet.
• Those who you received a card from the previous year.
• Those you don’t exchange gifts with.
• Someone you haven’t seen for quite awhile.
• Those who do not live close to you.

Selecting the card  

Send Christian friends cards that have a religious scene or sentiment, such as a Nativity, Angels, or religious works of art.  The inside message is religious in nature, such as “Joyful blessings” or “Have a blessed Christmas”.

• Festive cards.  Some cards are intended to celebrate the fun and festive nature of the season.   These include those with wreaths, snowmen, candy canes, lights, Christmas trees, etc.  These are intended to bring a laugh or a smile.  Some draw a thin line between good humor and poor taste.  Choose wisely.
• Jewish, Arab, Moslem, Hindu, or Buddhist friends should receive cards that offer non-religious sentiments, such as “Season’s Greetings”, “Happy New Year”, or “Happy Holidays”.
• Of special note: Those who are mourning.  Unfortunately, a lot of deaths seem to occur around the holidays, or the absence of a loved one is more pronounced during the holiday season, which requires additional sensitivity and compassion.  Don’t send a festive or joyful card to someone mourning or grieving.  Let the sentiment be simple and add your handwritten wish for peace, comfort, and reassurance of friendship and support.  Also, someone in mourning may not feel like sending out holiday cards, which is certainly understandable.

 Enclosures

• If you are one who includes a family newsletter in your card, be selective.  As wonderful as you think your family news is, not everyone is so inclined to read four pages.    Only include your newsletter to family members or close friends you know are receptive to the details.  The newsletter should hit the highlights, like, births, promotions, moves, graduations, milestones, etc.  Also include lowlights, such as, deaths, job loses, divorces, etc. These need only be in brief mention not in minute detail. Not that many people are interested in grandchildren’s grades on the last three report cards. Brief is better but make sure to add current phone numbers for those who want more discussion.
• Enclosing a photo or two of family, new house, new spouse, or children or pet is usually a welcome and appreciated addition.

Signing the Card

• All cards should have a brief additional greeting and a signature of the sender handwritten at the bottom of the card.
• Cards sent by a couple.  The one signing the card writes his/her name last as a courtesy.  Some believe the woman’s name is always first.  Last names are not necessary for close friends.  If first names are common, Bill and Jane, the last name may be included in parenthesis.
• When children’s names are included, father’s name, if still part of the household, comes first…always. Ex.  The Jacksons—Chris, Janice and Jude.
• If adding children’s names gets too difficult because of blended families, just list first names of household or simply close with Bill, Jane and children, Tiffany, Megan, and Dakota.
• Preprinted cards with preprinted signature only.  Greeting cards require a handwritten signature to become personal.  If all information is preprinted, including the sender’s name, the card is considered impersonal and counter productive to the intent and sentiment of the holiday season.  If you feel obligated or burdened to send a card, you may want to skip it this year.  The card will reflect your mood as will the receiver.
• Engraved cards are occasionally used.  These are of fine white or ecru cardstock and framed by a red, green, or gold border. Most have a simple symbol of the holiday season, a wreath, Christmas tree, Star of David, centered on the front. The family name is engraved on the inside bottom of the card.  These still require a personal handwritten signature and sentiment.  These are expensive, formal, impressive, and continue to be considered sincere.

Sending the Card

• Its fun to buy postage stamps that reflect the season.  These cost the same as regular postage stamps but are usually more colorful and festive.
• Addresses of the recipient should all be handwritten.  Return address may be preprinted or stamped.
• Holiday cards should be mailed between Thanksgiving and Christmas.  (Some have been known to trickle in until New Years. Valentine’s Day, however, would be a memorable stretch.)

Celebrate

Now that this large task is done, celebrate.  Celebrate that in this hectic time of year, you still took the time to think about and remember those that mean so much to you.  Celebrate the fond memories brought back to mind as you addressed each envelop and remembered friends and times from the past.  Yes, this may be one more thing you can check off your list, but it is also a gift you have given yourself as well as the receiver.

When I come before God in prayer daily, I usually look up, heavenward, but I bowed my head today.  In a typical time of prayer I praise God for His greatness and all-loving and all-caring power.  I close my eyes and look upward and outward, as if having a conversation with a dear friend who knows me well, and He does. But, I bowed my head today.

As Americans, we are saturated with thoughts of transparency, equality, speaking our  mind.  Who better to do that with than God, since He knows us anyway.  But I strayed from this programming for some reason, and I bowed my head today.

I wasn’t sad, downhearted or discouraged.  I just closed my eyes, lowered my head, and was quiet in His presence.  A funny thing happened to my thoughts and my spirit.  I acknowledged God is God, and I am created by Him.  God is God, and I am human, just like those around me.  Because I bowed my head today, I acknowledged, God is God, and I am not.

If I see you struggling, with putting on a coat, carrying something cumbersome, or negotiating a doorway, is it okay if I’m kind and help, even if I am a woman?

If I see you trying to cross a busy crowded street, or move into a lane, is it

okay if I’m kind and let you in, even if it slows the traffic behind me?

If I see your eyebrows pulled together, your forehead creased, and your face sad and downhearted, is it okay if I’m kind and smile at you anyway, even if I don’t know you?

If our eyes happen to connect while in passing, or I’m standing beside you in line and we happen to see each other,  is it okay if I smile and am kind, even if we are strangers with something random in common.

In a world that’s overstressed, over-busy, over-scheduled, over-defensive- is it okay if I am kind, even if I don’t have permission?

I hear about women with Asperger’s Syndrome or High Functioning Autism who are intelligent and talented, driven and focused in an area of skill, but like to work or be alone.  They seek out and appreciate solitude.  They avoid or get over-whelmed by social interaction.  I love solitude and like to be alone.  I have so many thoughts in my head I get overwhelmed sometimes.  I crave knowledge.  I think maybe I might have that…Asperger’s Syndrome.

I hear about some woman who have a hormone problem where, no matter how hard they try, they can’t lose the body fat around their middle.  Well, that definitely could be me.

Some people have a condition where their whole body aches, including joints and muscles, and they get no relief.  I feel that way sometimes.  Maybe I have that.

I’ve heard about a chronic fatique syndrome where people get overly tired.  I feel that way sometimes, maybe that’s what I have.  I’m also getting older and sometimes have to say, “Where was I” in a conversation.  I forget things like names or dates.  Maybe I have early-onset Alzheimers.

“Someone, please make it stop!”

With all the labels, syndromes, and conditions out there, it seems we all have some sort of problem, disfunction, disability, or disorder.  We’ve become so focused or preoccupied on identifying our exceptions or symptoms of existing in life we miss out on the living of life.  I think I will just have to accept the fact that I have “human-isms”.  I suffer from a condition called “humanness”.

Humanness can be identified by a proneness to weight fluctuations and periodic bouts of forgetfulness or fatique.  Humans tend to carry germs and be affected by them.  Other symptoms may include: extreme changes in behavior from tears and sadness, especially during times of loss or grief, to uncontrollable laughter, joy, or happiness, especially when around friends, loved-ones, children, or animals.

Symptoms may also include the need to be comforted by something soft.  Some may express a need for stress release through intense physical exercise or loud music.

Humans consume various amounts and kinds of food, even if they are not hungry.

Some humans require outlets for talents, creativity, imagination, competition, and physical performance.  Some don’t.

*Treatments most recommended to aid in dealing with the symptoms of being human include but are not limited to:

• A comfortable shelter to call their own.
• Healthy food and clean water.
• Safety
• Weather appropriate clothing. (A sense of style is appreciated.)
• Studies suggest the more love, caring, acceptance, respect, understanding, and tolerance a human receives, the fewer the symptoms of depression, anger, or regret.
• Periodic and regular exposure to beauty, whether in nature, art, or music, has been proven to improve the human condition.
• Daily doses of love and laughter are recommended.  High quantities are often required.
• Acknowledgement and acceptance of humanness and human-isms, especially in others, is the first step to healing and fruitful living.
• If irregularities of unkindness, aggression, crankiness, or irritability are observed, increase doses of sleep, love, and understanding.  Wine or other alcoholic beverages may also prove helpful.
• Some humans are prone to acts of stupidity, arrogance, and bad language.  These usually require a gentle slap to the head by a trusted friend or a call home to Mother.  If symptoms persist, part company.
• Prayer and an acknowledgement in a Father God have helped many.
• Friendships are crucial.
• Research suggests humans who experience physical intimacy in a loving and committed relationship tend to live longer and happier lives.

Other names for those who demonstrate these human-isms, or suffer from the condition of humanness are:  family, society, community, culture, the world. Us.

(Other definitions may alo be found by entering the keyword: imperfect.)

Ahhh…humanness.  I believe that is what I have.

*Disclaimer:  The above article and recommended treatments are intended for personal use only.  Article is not recommended for those who lack a sense-of-humor, are legalistic, or easily offended.  Which, by the way, are also human-isms that require extra patience from other humans.  Reader assumes all responsibilities for changes in life or attitude, if any, after having read this article.  Author makes no claim to perfection or having authority to tell others how to live life; these are merely suggestions.  Medical research supports the claim that there is no cure for Humanness.  Live at your own risk and live responsibility.

A business image requires visual cues that reflect the corporation or company’s  character and standards. Most of these images occur via brands, corporate logos, or through marketing and advertising.  A lot of company time, effort, and dollars go toward creating and promoting these powerful images.  However, one of the most powerful and more cost effective tools for creating images of excellence goes overlooked. That is the company employee. Those employees going to lunch or coffee during the day, working with clients directly, or even over the phone contribute in a powerful way to the company’s image of excellence.

While working with company representatives or executives I am often asked, “When do I stop representing the company and start representing myself”.  This is usually asked in the context of after hours or during out-of-office time.  One participant once offered a  humorous suggestion, “After the second drink you’re on your own.”    To clarify, while on the company clock, whether in the office or out, employees need to realize they are representing themselves as well as those they work with and for.  Thinking all one has to do is show up, do the job, and leave suggests a narrow view of job responsibilities and corporate culture.

Five quick ways to project the best image of one’s character but also influence  an image of excellence for the company are:

1. Be well groomed.  This means clean white teeth, hair that is clean, under control, and modern, and a body that is surrounded by pleasant, neutral, or non-offensive smells.  This includes breath and body odor. Attend to hands, nails, and unwanted facial hair.  Even ear hair should be given particular attention.
2. Be aware of the environment.  Don’t use offensive language.  Just because you may not find words or some popular terms offensive, others around you might.  Profanity is not good business communication, no matter which gender uses it.
3. Make sure clothes fit and are appropriate for your business culture.  Not all businesses require a suit, (although every person who takes him/herself seriously will have at least one). Have clothing altered to address weight fluctuations. Yes, have a sense of style.  Yes, add colors that look good on you.  Yes, pay attention to and respect dress codes.  No, visible colorful bra straps, cleavage, or short skirts are not good marketing tools.
4. Make sure your words and actions are courteous, respectful, and considerate to all who cross your path.  People talk and people listen to the conversations of others, which is a fact of life.  Therefore, don’t criticize the boss inside the building and don’t criticize the company outside the building.  One never knows who knows or is related to whom.   Also, don’t let your thoughtless words or inconsiderate actions be the topic of another’s rumor or conversation.
5. Make sure to have business cards, a great handshake, and a positive disposition no matter how the day is going.  If someone asks you’ll know you have done a good job of projecting yourself and the company in a positive light.

In summary, the better you look, the better the company looks.  The longer the company is successful, the greater your chances of continuing to work there.  Pay attention to your overall look and appearance.  Be aware of your language, conversation, and actions, whether in the office or out.  Believe that you are the company’s best resource for projecting an image of excellence.

There seems to be an ever-increasing trend toward casual behavior in many facets of society today, including business, education, and social life.  This could be due to the worship-like level for personal comfort in America, paired with an ever growing, literally, population of obese citizens.  While these two are very powerful forces, I suggest another.  That would be the fears of formality, which include but are not limited to, the fear of being boring, the fear of being perceived as phony, artificial, or untrustworthy, and the fear of failure.

It’s human nature to want attention and acceptance.  We all want to be noticed and appreciated for something.  Our first opportunities to experience these were at parties when we were younger.  Who didn’t hope to be invited to a birthday party?  What parent wasn’t relieved when an invitation finally came? The greatest longing for children, other than love and safety with a family, is for friends.  The more the better!  For most, the earliest opportunities to fulfill this longing for friendship was at school.  This was also where most got their early impressions of “formal” rules and expectations.  Many of these rules, at least as remembered in the minds of some, were oftentimes emphasized with “don’t”. “Stand in line but don’t touch, don’t blurt-raise your hand, don’t run in the building, don’t talk, don’t yell, don’t sing, don’t dance”.  Some accepted and valued these teachings as a way to set boundaries, maintain order, or fit in with a group based on consideration of and for others.  Others perceived these as a straight jacket on individuality.  The beginning of “boring”.  A set of rules determined to ruin individual expression rather than teach societal responsibility and conformity; thus, a fear of formal, and a fear being bored and boring.

Many a Western movie portrays the gambler as the shyster, the dandy with the smooth hands and fancy clothes, the one not to be trusted.  Many a country bumpkin had been warned to “Beware the smooth talker”.  Some perceive formal as a way to hide something inferior or underhanded under more pleasant or distracting coverings.  Like a cheap gift, wrapped in beautiful paper.  In the West we tend to think or become suspect that someone is trying too hard to make an impression or putting on airs.  They may be trying to present themselves as being better than they are, or at least, of more importance than those around them.  We’ve all known someone who was nice and polite to our face, but quite different when we weren’t around.  In our fear of being perceived as phony, artificial, untrustworthy or pretentious, we are quick to “dispose of formalities” and claim to be “real”.  Let’s just kick back and relax…at all times and in all places.  While this is not a bad idea as a whole, we all have our paths crossed daily by real people.  Some are “real rude”, “real unkind”, “real selfish”, “and real difficult to be around”.

I believe the most deep-seated and more powerful fear perpetuating the casual trend is the fear of failure to live up to the formal promise.  The fear an individual has about their own skills to deliver what dress,  actions, words, appearance, a “formal” education or training may have promised.  Some get so overwhelmed by the fear of not fitting-in, not living up to the expectations of others, not being as polished as they had hoped, that they choose to not be part of the challenge.  No one wants to be the inferior gift in the shiny box.  So they stay away from the party.  They skip the dance.

In answer to the question, who’s afraid of formal, the answer would be, each of us has been at some time in our lives.  A more telling question, however, would be, what did you do about it?  Did you proceed with caution and courage and learn from your mistakes?  Did you read a book, take a class, get training to improve your social skills, or did you just recline back and say its too much work?  Did you take a risk, or did you pass on opportunities to learn something new about yourself or others?  Did you judge and criticize, or did you change?  Its not too late.

I went to a high school basketball game to watch my nephews play.  Sitting next to my brother, dad to the nephews, I noticed him occasionally looking toward his son on the bench and holding his hand to his ear, like he was making a phone call.  His son, on the bench, quickly responded in kind.

“What in the world was that?” I asked.

“Oh its just something I do.  I’ve told him, ‘When the phone rings, be ready to answer it.’ He needs to make sure he keeps his head in the game and stays prepared, even if he’s not playing right now.”

Oh my gosh, how profound is that!  (Of course, I didn’t tell my brother that.)

In this tough and disheartening economy where many are laid off or can’t find work, or find themselves on the “economic bench” while others are in the game, I ask you the same question.  When the phone rings, will you be ready to answer it?

During this minor setback, what are you doing with your time to help keep your head in the game?  While its understandable to be discouraged, frustrated, or angry, there are some other options to prepare you for the phone call when it does come.  Can you improve your person, your presence, or your “program”, meaning your knowledge base?

To improve your person, the you that others see first and build an impression on in microseconds, start with 2 mirrors.  With a small mirror, look at your face.  What color are your teeth?  Straight or not, they need to be clean and white.  A smile is your best asset.  There is no excuse in this day and age to have discolored or stained teeth.  If you can’t afford professional whitening, get to the store ASAP and get some Crest Whitening Strips.  Next, check your hair.  If you are a male with facial hair, make sure it is trimmed, well groomed, and contemporary. Think twice about a mustache, please.   Also, make sure ear, nose, eyebrow hair is under control.  Females, well maintained eyebrows are a must and a simple way to accent eyes, the great communicator.  Hairstyles should be clean, flattering, and current.  Just because someone told you your style looked good in high school, doesn’t mean it looks good now.  Male baldness doesn’t have the social stigma it used to today.  If you are a male who is losing more hair than you would like, consider a shorter or shaven style.  Be courageous.  Just don’t live in a baseball cap.  Also, get some rest and some sunshine.  Looking healthy and natural is always a positive sell.

With the second mirror, a full length one this time, stand back and take a look at you.  Be honest and proactive, not mean and critical.  How is your posture?  Look at how you hold your shoulders.  If you’re feeling discouraged, no one needs to know it but you.  Pull those shoulders back.  Act like you paid a million bucks for yourself, and you got a deal.  If you’ve had a desk job, your core muscles are probably weak.  How about a few sit ups a day.  Start simple.  Try on some of your “professional or business” attire.  Yes, they should be different than your Saturday or hanging-out with friends clothing.  Take this time to have them altered if you’ve had a weight change.  Attend to loose buttons and hemlines. Throw out or give away those that show too much wear or are discolored.  Better yet, have a business clothing “swap”.  Get together with other professionals you know, possibly in the same boat, and exchange what is still in great shape, but doesn’t work for you anymore.  “I’ll trade you two skinny ties for that collegiate stripped one.”  Polish your shoes or replace them.  Find some belts in the same color.  Take this extra time to try on new business clothes and find your style or add some color.  You don’t have to buy now.  Remember, you are just getting back into your professional shape.  To be in the game, we all need to have the right uniform that works for our particular team.  Make sure yours fits well, looks good, and you look confident in it.

Lastly, to prepare you for the game, step up your program, meaning your knowledge base. One way to do this is to read trade magazines.  Go to the library, it’s free!  Attend conferences or trainings offered.  Being a life-long learner is where success and leadership begin.  Don’t let your pride, credentials, or years of experience get in the way.  The best recommendation, connect with other professionals from different age groups.  Why?  Technology + experience= creative thinking. We need each other and to be successful, we need to be able to communicate.  Generational gaps and gender gaps exit.  To become creative, powerful, and successful, we each need to get over ourselves and value each other to form a working team, rather than putting our energies into jealousy, intimidation, and insecurities. Stay involved in the game.  Knowledge is power.

It may not feel like it, but this “economic bench time” could be the best thing to happen to you.  Use this time to reevaluate your “game”, starting with your person, your presence, and your program.  The choice is yours to lose heart and be discouraged, or take advantage of the time between games and find, discover, or create the best you possible.  When the phone rings, be ready to answer it.

I can’t remain silent any longer!  I have to do something!  I would climb to the highest rooftop, but someone else would own it and there would be liability issues.  I could Blog or Twitter, but I hope more people than just the tech savvy would hear my cry.  So I have chosen a reliable alternative—I hope, by putting my message into print.  It is my hope that those who have eyes to see, ears to hear, or scissors to cut out an article and stick it on a wall somewhere, will do so.

My message is actually a couple of questions.  As an etiquette consultant I have worked with colleges, universities, businesses, corporations, children, youth programs, women-to-work programs, alternative education programs.    I’ve worked with corporate executives, farmers, car dealers, architects, engineers, medical professionals, lumber brokers, lobbyists and religious leaders.  I’ve also been out and about as a teacher, wife, sister, mother, and friend.   It is these varied experiences that compel me to think the questions that beg expression:  People, what are we doing to ourselves?  What are we doing to each other?

I hear business questions or comments from some, rooted in deep hurt, about comments made by a coworker or even a stranger in passing at the office; biting comments or criticisms made by colleagues who believe their position or professional performance is more important than someone else’s.  I hear about “old guys” that don’t know technology and are standing in the way of the young and upwardly mobile.  I hear the female executives who believe that short skirts and low cut blouses are good marketing tools.

Challenges in education are now including, not just how to keep students in school and motivated to learn, but also how to keep them from killing each other, bullying, harassing, or humiliating each other. In its spare time, also instructing them in how to dress so their body parts are not showing.

In society, we worry about polluting the planet, but don’t hesitate to pollute conversation with foul language, or offensive words.  We say we want peace, but choose hand gestures and the “f-bomb” as weapons of choice with each other.  These are resources used most often by our children.  We sanitize our bodies from germs, but contaminate our surroundings with rolling eyes, impatient clucks of the tongue, or sarcastic or judgmental comments of others.  We voice our opinions, whether anyone has asked for it or not, then walk away with a self-righteous swagger, believing we set someone straight, showed them the light, or “had to be honest”.

While I believe there are many holes in the social bucket and it will take time to plug most of them, I am a person of hope.  It is my belief that developing an understanding of “shared space” is a place to start.  When you are home, that is your private personal space; a sanctuary with its own set of rules, traditions, and expectations the family chooses and influences.  That’s why it’s supposed to be one’s castle.  However, once you leave that castle, you enter “shared space”.  In shared space there are different people, ages, languages, cultures, beliefs, genders, values, time commitments, etc.  I believe in good manners.   Not just the trite “be nice at all costs” attitude some promote, but the powerful “make a difference for yourself and others” kind of manners.  The kind that make others feel good, or at least not feel bad, from having been around you kind of manners.  Good manners are what we need to call on as our “weapon of mass impression” when in shared space. If anyone is in doubt as to what that would look like, I offer this quick tutorial.

When in shared space, remember:

•   We are human; we have germs… Be prepared.
•   We are human; we have ears… Be quiet.
•   We are human; we all have the same body parts… Keep them covered.
•   We are human; we’re in a hurry…  A smile takes just a second.
•   We are human; we have beliefs and choices too…  Be considerate.
•   We are human; we hurt… Be understanding.
•   We are human; we get overwhelmed… Be patient.
•   We are human; sometimes life doesn’t turn out the way we planned… Be kind.
•   We are human; we’re in this together… Be respectful.

We may not be able to answer all the questions about how to fix a breaking society, but I challenge us to at least address one.  Who can make a difference?  Each one of us.

(This article was originally submitted for magazine publication.)